what normal eyesight sometimes can't see...

Graduation Tales from a Sadomasochist

I attended the 96th Commencement Exercises of the University where i study. My sister is a graduate along with several dorm mates and org maes. and creatures. and freaks of nature[90+ cum laudes, 10+magna cum laudes and 1 su..permonster!]

we almost died of hunger since food is no allowed in there and we are starving to death[the graduation cereonies~blah started past 8-late it should be 8-and ended 12:30 plus we had our breakfast at 5AM, alkabout hunger strike!!!!]good thing, my mom manage to sneak in some cookies[haha! it was not confiscated! bwahha some more!]

when the graduates of BS Compuer Science [my degree course] i found out that when 40 entered the course in their freshman years, 6 would graduate... only 11 Computer Science students graduated this year and six of them are regular students... what-was-i-thinking-when-i-wrote-this-course-when-i-applied-for-admission!!!!!!

ARGH!!!!! ...and that was the only course with no honor students [i think!]

*^^sob! i wish i could graduate before i reached the point of no return!![maximum residency rule]

GO ComSci GO!!!!

I was in the mental facility until @ 1:13 PM
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Out of a Freaky White Journal

~my journal that is.

this is what i wrote at 2AM of my birthday... the one i mentioned in an earlier entry. i think it is fun to share these thoughts(...besides im still waiting for some enrolment paperwork to be signed and released by 1PM... an hour!)

here goes.

How long should i be living a lie.
I don't feel like I am true to my self.
Even worse, I am still confused of who I really am.

And I am still searching for my own reality...

Anyway,

IT SUCKS...

...knowing that you are trying to reach out to some people who seemed to far out of reach...
...being envious of someone whom you have treated as a friend...
...to be not trusted...
...to be too afraid to trust...
...having the feeling of doubt...
...to be back bitten [is there such word?]...
...to back bite...
...realizing that you can dream BIG THINGS, then, wake up to know that they will always be dreams... only DREAMS...
...being unsure of what you want or who you want to be...
...failing on the subject you thought you were good at...
...thinking that for once you have put meaning in your life, but then, all that is a joke...
...loving someone who doesn't care for, or doesn't even know your existence [now, where did that come from =)]...
...starting a project you cannot finish...
...believing that you are strong when, you are often too vulnerable, even for words...
...to find that the reason for your life is not a good reason at all[well, in human understanding this could happen... but God's reason, on why you are here on this earth is waaay.. better than pathetic human understanding. and it is even beyond man's understanding, beyond comprehension =)]...
...you are contained in a barrier which they call rules, laws[i call them standards...]...
...to end up choking in the noose you created...
...hxgxxegaoftruxloeximoraxhoixcxgndahx [<--- i don't want to write this but i am typing the whole journal]...
...living among too normal people...
...crying out for no reason...
...being poor when the world thinks you are rich...
...liking someone for the worst reason possible, within the worst time and he is just the wrong porson to like because... it is just wrong[hmmm, sino kaya ang may ganitong sitwasyon...]...
...Not finishing this diary[ehem, journal!] when it has been a year since i started writing here...
...forgetting to decode a secret code you created and only you know how to decode it and it is the way you write in your journal[eheehehe=) this is fun!]...
...being born, or existing and not feeling the care of the people around you.

BUMMER


well, some of the statemenst there happened to me, while others are just creations of my bizaare matter enclosed in my skull. ha!

i realized.. it is fun writing those stuff..
i love thinking of situations and scenarios... haha=)

^^

I was in the mental facility until @ 11:38 AM
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Unfinished poem....

Once more
Lay my head down
Hold me in your arms
Cradle me into a deep slumber
Trying to forget that
Again
I am alone
No one to care for
No one to lead me home
No friends to call my own
And in my rest
I’ll continue to cherish
Sweet memories in my head
The laughter I wasted
The time I spent




....Sentiments...

I was in the mental facility until @ 3:49 PM
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Ewan.

Magtatagalog ako sa entry na ito.

Syet. Napapadalas na ang pagmumura ko. Oo, masama yun, alam ko, pero hindi naman kasalanan ang maging disappointed sa buhay ko. Hindi ko kasalanan na ‘yun ang mamutawi sa bibig ko upang mailabas and totoong saloobin.

Ngayon, dahil ginamit ko ag salitang ‘syet’ kailangan din the isang matibay na dahilan kung bakit ako disappointed. Saan ako disappointed?

Ha? Ganito lang yun… Mahirap maghanap m isang samahan na kung saan mararamddaman ko na masaya ako. Akaa ko natagpan ko na iyon. Pero… syet. Bigo ako. Madals pa rin akong nag-iisa. Madals pa rin aong lumilipad sa sarili kong mundo. Madalas pa rin akong tulala sa isng gilid at naktunganga sa kawalan.

Mahirap nga, ang maghangad ng “belongingness”. Dahil sa sobra kong pagpipilit, nauuwi lang ito sa ‘syet’.

Hinanap ko a ang sarili ko sa ibang guro: sa koro, sa dorm, sa paaralan, sa org… pero… hindi. Walang naaaabot sa kung anong nasa kailalimlalian ng aking isip. Walang nakapagpuno sa puwang na inilaan ko sa ganitong bagay. Saan ba mayroong pagkukulang… sa akin? Sa grupong pinili kong pakisamahan?

Bakit pinahihiraan ko ang sarili kong maghanap, e, iharap mo lang ako sa isang MATINONG computer e masaya na ako? Bakit ko ito pinagaaksayahan ng panahon?

Porke ba ako ay hindi sociable na tao e mananatili na lang akong gannun… Ayokong anatili sa hawla ng standards a ang friendly ang ang may karapatang magaroon ng friends.

Pero sa huli,
dun din ako
mapupunta.
Dun din ako
mapupulot.

Sa kahon ng pa-iisa.
Sa kalye na walang nakikialam.

Syet.

I was in the mental facility until @ 3:40 PM
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Hundred and One Ways to Kill Using A.....

SPOON!

Why spoon'? because... it is not pointed.. it is small.. and when you look at it... you can't easily think of ways to use it for.. haha, murder!

BASIC:
Locate the eyeball[target]. Push the spoon to the eyesocket. [note: DO NOT DAMAGE THE EYEBALL] Pop the eyeball out. Insert, again, the spoon to the socket [without the eyeball] until you reach the brain part. Mix the brain vigorously.... ^^
SPOON and BUILING plus g[9.8m/s^2]
Climb a forty storey building. Hold a spoon vertically[the handle down.] and drop it to the street. Given the mass of the spoon plus the accelaration due to gravity... the force generated would be enough to puncture the skull...^^
SPOON and COFFEE:
The body temperature is 37 degrees C. A fresh cup of coffe ould be a little lower than 100 degrees. So if there are thousands of spoons.... with thousands o cups of coffees.... and you use the spoon s a trembuchet for the coffee to hit a person... it will burn him... and die! ^^
SPOON and the MRT:
there is an innocent soon lying on the area wher you wait for the MRT. there is this innocent passenger walking... he steps on the spoo, the spoon flies, reverberates and knocks the passenger to rails unconscious.. then, the MRT arrives....^^
SPOON and the FREEZER:
your skin could stick to a spoon when it has been in the freezer or a long period of time. so, store thousands of spoons in the freezer. when someone opens the freezer.. there will be an avalanche of spoons sticking to his body... help in the pulling the spoons from his body, instantly skinning him alive....^^

~too bad, i can't recall the other ways.... only a few more til we hit a hundred and one!

watch out for a book! ~ha!

i thank Tarits for sharing her vast knowledge in the art of using a spoon....

I was in the mental facility until @ 6:06 PM
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A Hundred Bucks and A Barbeque

... That's what i received in my burthday. and it was great!!

Well, you really wouldn't know what is gonna happen til it happens... My last post is so much about my difficulties here on earth.. but then as the day ended.. i felt much better...[what d'you know!}

Anyway i treated mom, my brother and sister to an italian eatery...restaurant... ten, after walking around the mall and a little chatting, i treated them, italian ice cream... whoa! this is an italian burthdey! haha!! anad when i told my brother i want to buy a cake or something.. he dished out a hundred bucks and handed it to me.. =)! well, the afternoon ended when my mom and brother left us in the dorm.. they have so much to do at home.

anyway, i was joking with an older sister in the dorm.. joking about how she forgot my birthday and all. they she said, "okay i' gonna buy you some barbeque.." then she left.. i know she is going out to buy some stuff but i am not really thinking abouit her buying me barbeque.. i thought it was a joke. after some time she returns and handed me two barbeques and told me to share it with my sister. since it was two, one is for my sister and one is for me!

a hundred bucks and a barbeque.. not bad. i wish burthdays are always like this...

I was in the mental facility until @ 1:51 PM
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It Sucks....

knowing that being orn on a specific date could be such a big deal.. don't know
the point of me typing this is beause of a journal entry i've written after months of not writing at all.. and i realized how ugly my handwrting turned out to be...

I miss writing... i miss my dreams, ambitions and thoughts being written on a picee of paper or in an old notebook. I miss my poems, short stories... My ideas of heartbreaking reality...

When i wrote on my journal.. thinking of how i see the past eighteen years of my life.. because yes, now i am nineteen and i am not ashamed of getting older... [what i fear is, am i getting wiser?] .. i ended up writting parts of my life that sucks... my failures, my disppointments.. it that what my life is all about? Pain..

yes, i know my life sucks... it doesn't live up to my own expectations... i lived to disappoint myself... to make me hunger for success.. to reach out for something that couldn't be mine...

What have i done to deserve this...

I was in the mental facility until @ 5:45 PM
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And they won't believe that I'm more Masculine

Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

I was in the mental facility until @ 5:02 PM
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Really Nice Link

I loved this.. wish you would... too

[click me!]

I was in the mental facility until @ 4:38 PM
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I Feel Like I'm Living The Worst Day Over and Over Again....

I wish 28-March-2005 never existed.. never happened... Same goes to 1-April-2005. YEA..I'm an APRIL FOOL!

Why 28-March-2005?
because, loads of Machine Problems and Projects were supposed to ba passed at that date. It was also a mark of the end of the holiday. It also signified the day that i would attempt to commit murder or hmm suicide... [last sentence is a joke!]
That day reminded me that being a BS Computer Science major is a sin. A sin, because you are always punished for being so ambitious. Being a ComSci student in UP Manila[or in any UP campus] is a much greater sin....
Why 1-April-2005?
Because, it would remind me of an event that would have been a part of but alas due to a crime i've commited...i didn't even get close to touching it.. what crime[refer to "Why 28-March-2005"]
Besides.. this date also pushed me into thinking that i am a lost creature pushed away and rolled over by the raging sea heading to nowhere... just bing tauned by th avs insuled by the tides like i am one big JOKE... and my existence a game for destiny.

having felt those feelings, makes feel them as if they are the only emotions existing in my life...

what's new.. i have always been one loner














...alone

I was in the mental facility until @ 4:07 PM
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